ANYTHING AS A DEDICATION:

ANYTHING AS A :

FUNERAL

CELEBRATION

PLACE OF MOURANING

SPACE

THERAPY SESSION

DEDICATE

HONOUR

HONOUR:

PEOPLE

PLACES

TIMES

MEMORIES

TAKE TIME FOR THIS EVERYDAY

GOD I HEAR AND FEEL YOU

Everything led up to that moment:

Take the time to dedicate and honour something - put it into your routine. Do it every day.

Stop thinking about posting it and live it instead

Live it instead, feel it

How to let go:

Live it, feel it

—

The idea of walking as a funeral

The idea of doing something and dedicating it to someone, to something

I would love to go for a walk for xxxxxxxx

I would love to go for a walk for xxxx

I would love to make a cup of tea for xxxxxxxxx

I would love to cook a meal for xxx, xxxxxx.

I would love to make my bed for xxxxxxxx

I would love to run to the shops for xxxx

I would love to cry for Me, for Me!

I would love to study a poem for my mother

I would love to have a slow pint for my Father.

Everyday you must honour what you Love.

Everyday you must honour what you Fear.

Everyday you must honour what you Hate.

Everyday you must honour what you’ve had, will have, could have, wish to have, need, want.

Everyday I will honour you.

Give everything space

Give what you feel space

Give it all up to Him

Sorry for ending the call in a rush Michael. I have a lot of learning to do.

Dedication is not just DOING IT and saying ‘I dedicate this to:’

It is DOING IT and dedicating the time spent to the cause you’ve selected. It is pouring yourself into it for the time you have allocated. This is key.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

We are talking about endings, because I have just started the first day of the rest of my life (new job). Dramatic.

How do I take time to care for myself?

I know when I am coming to a head but what am I doing to stop it?

Telling myself to relax is not enough. Can going for a walk save me?

‘I need a holiday’

I can feel the tiredness in my eyes, and it moved to my back, body. Now it’s in my neck.

Walking to the old job yesterday tears in eyes. Ending up in the pub with xxxxxx, embarrassed that we had all made out, but also finding it funny ‘we’re all adults’. And the embarrassment of having given the bartender my number. I had had a crush on her for a long time. I would never have forgiven myself.

Change.

It’s all change here. New job new home no gf. The end of old job, old home, ex gf. I loved all the old things dearly. How will I end up?

I guess ultimately, when I started old job, old home, ex gf, it was all totally new: I had genuinely started a new life. In a way. I was a new person, I had lost a lot of friends, disappeared socially - the old had me reborn. Why does it not feel the same this time? Will it?

That is what I want to talk about with Michael, how all these things were New - felt like it was happening for the first time. There’s novelty in the new things too, sure, but they’re all in the same vein: old job was books new job is books, old home was xxxx & xxx, new home is xxxx & xxx & xxxxx.

Purgatory. What do I really want to do? I’m still annoyed at xxxxx for asking that. With so much passion. After I’d working 3 jobs in a day. I don’t know. It was all too much. I wanted to work and to feel exhausted - I had spent too much time alone.

How to remind self that I am Worthy

:

to take space, to take time

everyday reminder

cons

[nothing written]

back to control: fine w/ feeling out of control (drunk) when it only affects me, as soon as someone else is involved, I am terrified: terrified of the repercussions/output. I don't want to put myself in a situation and yet have done that and feel embarrassed and silly for having done so. and it paralyses me.

self care day was awesome and it's nice to identity it as that. I can do things I need and ask for these things. Texting mother about my treatment, speaking to xxxx about xxxxxx / fears there.

I guess part of me feels perverted for wanting xxxxxx that evening and wanting the intimacy. I didn't make a move because fucking obviously and I wouldn't but fear / shame of what if? I don't want to be in situations like that. yes mistakes happen but with all the stress I am currently experiencing I want to avoid that as much as I can.

But so suffer more in my head than in reality - I just wait and see what happens as I can't predict the future. make final suggestion and thencjustxwaitnitnojr[then just wait for it now] it is out of my hands

now I am tired and sad

i keep forgetting everything as soon as I leave

finally back to some real shit!!!!! grief!!!!! learning grief!!!!!!! ---- sit with the loss of xxx ... there's so much to grief in tha[t] .... avoidance of talk[ing] on about it with xxxxxx ? why do I do that ... she is much better at experiencing it ... talk about it on sunday

i keep missing out on things he says and then i completely get it again when it's reiterated to me - nothing away from feelings. why did i hide my [new]job from people? fear of rejection later on. reality is that i stifled my excitement , stayed in the stress -

people suffer more in the mind than in reality

people would rather avoid the highs out of fear of the lows

accept the highs!!!! thank god for the highs. definitely do that in part

therapy forcing me towards conclusions i don't really believe in, feel bad about ending therapy early? which is in complete opposition to what we talk about, so i should probably get over that lol. or it is proof that i need to keep going ?

xxxxxxxx and i incompatible 232343 both very easy to get obsessive as we mirrored that between one another

need someone that

feels retarded to pay £60 to debate what i want as a girlfriend in the future lol. that is a chat to have with the lads

I guess I want to talk about the xxxxxxxx thing but actually have little to say about it. it doesn't come up much. need to bring up my anxiety about seeing people who may have been involved. that is key and actually worth the money and no need to fear it because thereskihimgto fear about it xxxxxxxx is no longer the reason i'm in therapy (never was), it was always about xxxxxxxx etc _ didn't bring up today because didn't feel too relevant to this week but of course it was, yesterday with xxxxxxxxx feeling that anxiety that I'd see xxxxxxx? at work when I get nervous? dakn ai'm a fool for not bringing this up but kinda worth the £60 just to realise they i don't care about talking about xxxxxxxx etc lol

Blaming all my stress on literally everything else, complete internal conflict, and realising that actually maybe we are just totally incompatible? but wanting so desperately for it to work regardless...

self sacrifice

natural feeling: natural to feel

one must feel it out ... one must feel it out ...

vulnerability - think not with Head but with how it feels

in the moment, often resort to fear, fear is extremely heady: if I am being moved towards that sort of feeling, clearly a boundary is being crossed

--

I find it fine to push heady explanation aside but you CANNOT push the feeling aside because that puts you in a much worse loop

you cannot think your way out of things, you just feel your way

re xxxxxxx bringing something up like she did;

she told me her version of how she came to bring that up, but I could have asked questions less accusing and instead said; that's a very personal thing for me, it is a large part of my trust and fear, this turning on me. if I had been vulnerable, eg said oh that's really personal, tough thing for me, so it's a shock you brought it up, the emotional aspect, i'm shocked you've brought this up, but can tell you, I pillow[kill two] birds with one stone ... I'm only asking you why you've brought this up as it's a really personal thing for me and requires me to be very vulnerable. and then she can meet me there

did have one horrible moment in therapist office where i was like her saying it came to her am i having psychosis lol

trust issues - do I struggle to be vulnerable with myself? hard to admit to myself that it could've happened is something for sure. what would allowing that mean? does it change everything for me?

What does it mean to be vulnerable with myself? To feel out the emotions and to accept things

what do I gain from feeling out the emotions? a deep understanding of the natural order of myself, of things

part of introspection does make me worried eg about 'what I'll find' but that's retarded

it should end up freeing

I want freedom (idk why I think I don't lol)

Michael does make me think, uncomfortably

hilarious to have forgotten the main part of therapy thru psychosynthesis is not the thinking but the feeling ... you need to be feeling it out, sitting with it, even when it fucking hurts... otherwise you're repressing, not allowing things to work their way out of your system. I'm so honoured and excited and grateful to get to do this again.

sitting here simply feeling.... god it feels good ... looking at the beautiful people of london from the top of the bus... someone is playing a trump video out of their phone speaker... even that feels good, it makes sense, it feels familiar, comforting ... everything a beautiful blessing ...